5 Stupid Things To Pray For

I usually choose the church I go to based on their sign making me mad.  This week was no different.

Walking in, some nice child held the door for me.  I presume he was the son of the greeter who shook my hand as soon as I got through the door.  It wasn't creepy at all...

Some guy in a suit and a name tag did the same to me around the corner.  That's when I figured out I was at a church small enough that my mere presence was enough to stand out.  Glad I figured that out before noticing the weird looks I was getting.

The pastor began by talking about the "Friendship Pad", booklets place around the place for people to give their contact information.  It's an innocuous thing to do, but something about it felt off.  Maybe it was the name.  Maybe it was the fact that I was already feeling creeped out more so than usual.  Maybe it was the fact that he asked for contact information immediately after asking for money (for some trip their youth group is taking).

Not finished yet, he went onto what felt like was going tk be another request for money.  He talked about our local police and how they could use our support.  But no, the baskets he mentioned weren't to put money in for the police.  They have prayer cards.  "What better way to protect the protectors than to pray for them?"  Money.  Money is more effective than prayer^[1].

Then it was time to bring up the kids.  They always have to bring up the kids.  It made the previous creepiness feel so innocuous.  The preacher man was holding a pair of shoes.  He was making some point about the shoes not being what makes us run fast.  It's practice.  And the kids are practicing to be "children of God".  Just being Christian isn't enough.  They have to practice.  To train.  In other words, they have to keep reminding themselves to believe the specific indoctrination of their church.  Otherwise, they might realize it's all bullshit^[2].

Back to the music again.  The band is 3 teenage girls (who need work on their harmonizing) and a grown man with a guitar.  I'm sure nothing shady^[3] is going on there.

Then to another staple of church.  The offering.  As I was sitting alone in the back row, the usher had already seen that I wasn't that invested in the service, instead writing the earlier parts of this post on my phone.  Then they went to the front to take people's money.  For the church not our local police.

It was mildly amusing to wonder what he was going to do when he got back to me.  He ended up halfheartedly trying to pass me the plate before giving up.

The sermon began with a statement that "We don't know when Jesus will return, but we know it will be in a time like this.  A time of confusion."  Subtle, but he's essentially saying the same thing as they said outright at Gospel Satellite Church^[4].

He told them to pray for the Lord's return.  I wonder how many in this crowd realize they were just instructed to pray for Armageddon.  Never have I been more glad that prayer doesn't work^[5].

In addition to praying for the goddamn Rapture, he told them to pray for a list of 5 things.

1.  "Pray for everyone."  He specifically mentioned their friends with the sniffles.  He actually said "the sniffles".  Apparently the sniffles are worth the time of the creator of everything.  Don't they think he created the sniffles too?  But whatever, I was just curious how he was going to finish the list after putting everyone on it on the first step.

2.  "Pray for those in authority."  I'm sure the guy in authority telling them to pray for those in authority did so for completely altruistic reasons.

3.  "Pray for your President."  I wonder if the guy whose truck I saw in the parking lot, with the NObama sticker, will pray for the President.

4.  "Pray for your country."  By then, two immigrants from Africa  had come in and sat next to me.  I wonder which country he thinks they should pray for.

Rambling about prayer, the Civil War, and Abraham Lincoln, he mentioned that Lincoln started the National Day of Prayer.  Then he gave it credit for ending the Civil War.  Not Generals Grant & Sherman.  Not the thousands of soldiers who died.  The National Day of Prayer ended the Civil War.

5.  "Pray for the conversion of the lost".  I guess I was happy to get a mention, but he apparently doesn't realize that it doesn't work that way.  Prayer won't make me a believer.

[6]

"Lord, we know only through you can things change," is how he segued into the prayer requests from the congregation.

Among  the pray requests was one for Fred Wilson, a survivor of the Vonn Maur shooting, who lost everything in a fire^[7].  Not a single mention by this crowd of actually helping him.  Just prayer.  The article about him mentions that his own church^[8] might help him "when he's ready", but I was unable to find any tangible efforts so far.

Also in the prayer requests was a request to "sing 'God Bless America' because we're a Christian nation", which they did immediately after finishing reading the prayer requests.

They then finished out by singing "10,000 Reasons", referring to reasons to believe and love their god.  Funny, I just need one.  He's not real.

Although, I can easily find more.  Like the fact that believing makes you think you're helping the survivor of a shooting and a fire by merely praying for him.  I can appreciate that prayer often makes people feel better when they're doing it.  But that doesn't even come close to making up for how much I hate that it makes people think they're helping when they're not.

[9]

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1.  http://tv.yahoo.com/news/ricky-gervais-provokes-twitter-flap-over-sending-prayers-015945682.html
2.  http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2012/10/09/survey-one-in-five-americans-is-religiously-unaffiliated/
3.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_scandals_involving_American_evangelical_Christians
4.  http://allthesepiouspeople.blogspot.com/2012/08/divine-prevention.html
5.  http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Study_of_the_Therapeutic_Effects_of_Intercessory_Prayer
6.  http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/36ewc7/
7.  http://www.omaha.com/article/20130629/NEWS/706309930
8.  http://www.fumcomaha.org/
9.  http://youtu.be/bv9o25k4e64

Divine Prevention

I chose Gospel Satellite Church for my first entry into this blog because of this picture.  That's what their sign briefly said about a week ago.  I went there fully expecting to be angered by some anti-gay hate justified by Jesus.  But they didn't mention the gays at all.

The people there were quite friendly.  Several members made a point to come over to introduce themselves and welcome the newcomer to their church.

The service began with a mini sermon from Brother Bob.  It was all fairly standard stuff.  Jesus, belief,  and nonbelievers.  I had to consciously keep myself from showing my amusement when he said, "Nonbelievers are uncomfortable around Christians."  According to Brother Bob, we feel the holy spirit when we're around Christians, which makes us uncomfortable as we resist.  Apparently, it has nothing to do with trying to understand how people believe things with no evidence or how those beliefs are so often used to justify hate and other inappropriate behavior. 

After a pause to set up some stuff, a few words from pastor Ralph Barker, and a brief song, it was time for the prayer requests.  Once again, Brother Bob was at the podium.

Bob started by mentioning a few church members and their various health issues.  A few people from the crowd mentioned people they knew with health issues.  Bob added his wife's toe to the list (she had dropped something on it and it was swollen), saying that God could do anything.  He did not go into why God didn't prevent the injury. 

Another man asked for prayers for his friend in Idaho, who was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  Later in the prayer, Bob declared the man in Idaho didn't actually have cancer.  Because of Jesus's power, of course.

A teenage girl, who didn't specifically ask for prayer, announced that she'd sprained her ankle for the 10th time.  Bob offered to have the congregation pray specifically for her ankle after the service.  He once again said that God can heal anything, still saying nothing about God's ability to prevent injury.

In the collecting of the prayer requests, Bob commented on the crowd being smaller than normal for them.  He blamed the weather being nice, and he was probably right.  People love Jesus, but many love a nice  August morning outside more.  Good for those people.

The talk of nice weather was followed by a story of a recent tornado that split just in time to miss the house of someone they all knew.  Just as an aside, it was said that the tornado immediately after destroyed another house.  The splitting of the tornado was, of course, credited to God's power.  The other house that was destroyed was not mentioned again.  I guess that family didn't love Jesus enough.

An elderly woman spoke up, not to pray for help, but to give thanks.  She'd recently fallen and broken both wrists and hurt her knee.  She was giving thanks that her injury was not worse.  Yet again, nothing about injury prevention.

The actual prayer was pretty standard.  Perhaps it was normal, for them, that he worked in some stuff about Israel and called himself an "adopted Jew", but I found it a bit strange.  I'm not even sure what else to say about it.

Then was the musical interlude.  I was a bit disappointed they didn't use the drumset that was sitting in the back, but they did use the keyboard, the piano, and a guitar.  It was quality music, if you ignore the Jesus stuff.  Only one song fit the theme of the sign outside this morning.

Pastor Ralph had led that song, and his sermon fit the theme. The rapture is coming soon, and events in Israel are how we know it.  Also, Jesus will come back like a "thief in the night", so we can't know when it will be.  It's soon because 7 is God's lucky number and we're in the 7 millennia of our existence.

We can't possibly know when it's going to happen, but it's going to be soon.  Okay, Ralph.  That makes perfect sense.

Ralph called the times of Noah the worst times in history.  He was sure that everyone was happy, safe, and successful, but it was the worst times in history.  Because they ignored God.  That one actually does make sense.  On that, Ralph and I are in agreement.  Ignoring God leads to prosperity.

He brought up this story of Noah's time, to complain about today.  God has been taken out of everything,  prayer was taken out of school, the Ten Commandants were removed from courthouse lawns. All "Christians are being oppressed" greatest hits.  He praised Dwight Eisenhower for having a prayer before political speeches.  He's under the impression that no politicians today are openly religious.  Ralph is funny.

On the way out, they were still friendly toward me, telling me they hoped I came back.  A woman even pointed out to me that my Sharpie had fallen out of my pocket.  I wonder how friendly they would be if we discussed marriage equality or the Separation of Church and State or if they knew why I carry the Sharpie.